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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27316636">The Tonight Show with Nathaniel Kurtzberg</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Human42/pseuds/A_Human42'>A_Human42</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Miraculous Ladybug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Gen, classmates are only mentioned, hawkity mothity doesnt akumatize people every other frickin day anymore, nathaniel is a comedian, no beta we die like jet from atla, our boi is a funny bitch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:15:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27316636</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Human42/pseuds/A_Human42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the future, when Hawkmoth doesn't akumatize people every other day, Nathaniel becomes a comedian.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Marc Anciel/Nathaniel Kurtzberg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Tonight Show with Nathaniel Kurtzberg</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i couldnt get comedian!nath out of my head, so now you have this</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nathaniel walked out on stage and grabbed the microphone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If anyone in the audience who has lived in Paris long enough to see at least one akumatization of Mr. Pigeon is willing to kick a pigeon, I will personally hand you 20 euros.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The audience laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m serious. Do it.” He took a 20-euro note out of his pocket and waved it around. Alix, sitting in the third row, spat out the sip of water she had just taken.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nathaniel cleared his throat. “If you’ve lived in the city of Paris for over a year and are old enough to form coherent thoughts, you probably have an irrational fear of butterflies.” No reaction. “Well, if you do, we kin.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>That</span>
  </em>
  <span> got a reaction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can probably tell this entire show is going to be about akumas. I was actually in high school during the height of the akuma attacks.” This got a groan from more than a few people in the audience. “Okay, okay, don’t hate me. I also got akumatized once.” A pause.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But c’mon Hawkmoth, at least let us choose what we look like! Like, I’ve been stripped of my free will, at least let me have some hope that I looked really cool! I now have to live with the fact that my Dark and Evil form is a shitty herosona I made for myself. You ruined my sleep schedule for at least five years, you really gotta ruin this too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The audience laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, but can we just appreciate the fact that we were getting saved by furries on almost a daily basis? Because if you think about it, we were getting saved by a ladybug woman and a cat man. If that doesn’t scream furry to you, I don’t know what does.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nathaniel let the laughs (and hysterical screaming from Marinette and Adrien) die down before continuing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I was in high school during the height of the akuma attacks, and everyone in my class (including the teacher) except these two kids got akumatized, and oh my god, we were all so jealous of them. Hell, my class had a record for akumas, we were known as the ‘akuma class’. There was this one girl who had sausages for hair, and she got akumatized, like, four times. She was such a poser, oh my God.” Nathaniel paused as the audience laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Goddamnit, don’t ruin my dramatic pause.” This got another laugh from the audience.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were all so fucking jealous of those two kids. You guys know Adrien Agreste?” Some members of the audience emitted a high-pitched scream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You notice how most of those were girls? I’m also pretty sure I can recognize every single male that cheered. But for the straight guys who weren’t in my high school class, Adrien Agreste is a really famous model. You might know him as Perfume Kid. Also, I can see Adrien in the audience. Can we get a spotlight on his model ass?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A spotlight was moved so everyone could see Adrien Agreste’s “model ass”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That bitch, right there, is one of the only two kids in my class that never got akumatized. Can you move the spotlight over to the left?” The spotlight moved accordingly. “That’s Marinette Dupain-Cheng. She’s the </span>
  <em>
    <span>other</span>
  </em>
  <span> person who never got akumatized.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways, do you guys want to hear about the time I got my husband akumatized?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The audience says yes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I was in high school at the time, and Marinette decided to set me and this kid who I knew was a writer and was hot up. She stole one of his books and erased his name from the cover. I was being a dumbass, and thought that Ladybug had actually written it, because it was titled Diary of Ladybug.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I get to the rendezvous point, and instead of Ladybug, there’s a badass hot man who can probably kick my ass. I panicked and yelled at him and then I tore up his notebook, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s the most obvious course of action. So then the bitch goes and gets akumatized, and I’m like, ‘Oh fuck, I shouldn’t have torn up his notebook,’ and then I go and vibe with my friend in the Louvre until Ladybug and Chat Noir break through the glass fucking pyramid and yell at us to get our asses to the Eiffel Tower. If there’s a tiny woman who could absolutely kick my ass into next week yelling at me to do something, I’m gonna do it. So me and my friend get our asses to the Eiffel Tower.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, did I mention that Ladybug just led us into the fucking line of fire? Reverser is right fucking there, and Ladybug is like ‘Oh yeah, let’s bring these 16-year-old </span>
  <em>
    <span>children</span>
  </em>
  <span> right next to the akuma!’ And the akuma is specifically after </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>! But anyway, Ladybug and Chat Noir purify the akuma, fix everything, yadda yadda yadda. But the amazing thing is not that the guy gets akumatized in the first place, it’s that he agreed to go out with me on a date after! To this day, I do not understand why he went on our first date.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The audience clapped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why the fuck are you clapping?” said Nathaniel, and laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>"Any of you guys remember Sandboy? Because that was a <em>ride</em>. I'm pretty sure everyone who got hit just collectively died inside. I can't believe my 16-year-old self's greatest fear was ridicule, because now my entire job is dumbassery and getting laughed at. 16-year-old me would be so goddamn ashamed." He smiled and shook his head.</p><p><br/>
<span>“Stereotypes about Parisians have changed in the last few years. We all used to be eating baguettes and drinking wine and wearing berets. Now there’s really only one way to tell a Parisian from a tourist. If we see a butterfly within a 15-kilometer radius, we will </span>
  <em>
    <span>scream</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Most of the audience laughs. “Wow, we have a lot of tourists in here tonight. I’m completely serious.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>brain said this</p><p>i did this</p><p>you get this now</p></blockquote></div></div>
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